Note: Bills that change current law do not show the amended text correctly below. Please view Original PDF to see amended sections: HR 526 - Introduced - PDF
By Representatives Poole, Ainsworth, Alexander, Baker, Ball,
Beckman, Beech, Black, Blackshear, Boothe, Boyd, Bracy, Brown,
Buskey, Butler, Carns, Chesteen, Chestnut, Clarke, Clouse,
Coleman, Collins, Crawford, Daniels, Davis, Drake, Drummond,
Ellis, England, Farley, Faulkner, Faust, Fincher, Ford, Forte,
Fridy, Garrett, Gaston, Givan, Greer, Grimsley, Hall, Hanes,
Harbison, Harper, Henry, Hill, Hollis, Holmes (A), Holmes (M),
Howard, Hurst, Ingram, Jackson, Johnson (K), Johnson (R),
Jones, Knight, Lawrence, Ledbetter, Lee, Lindsey, Lovvorn,
Martin, McCampbell, McClammy, McCutcheon, McMillan, Millican,
Mooney, Moore (B), Moore (M), Morrow, Nordgren, Pettus,
Polizos, Pringle, Reynolds, Rich, Rogers, Rowe, Sanderford,
Scott, Sells, Sessions, Shedd, Shiver, South, Standridge,
Todd, Treadaway, Tuggle, Wadsworth, Warren, Weaver, Whorton
(I), Wilcox, Williams (JD), Williams (JW), Williams (P), Wingo
First Read: 29-MAR-18
DESIGNATING THE RECIPIENT OF THE 2018 SHROUD AWARD.
WHEREAS, it is once again time for the annual Shroud
Award, in which the deadest legislation of the 2018 Regular
Session is revealed. Created in 1979, this is the 40th
presentation of this one of a kind sine die custom.
Traditionally, the gift for a 40th celebration is Ruby, and
this year we have a real gem for you. First, we begin with the
runners-up, semi-precious stones that were pretty, but not
beautiful enough for this special occasion.
House Bills 51 and 75 by Representative Rolanda
Hollis, regulating microblading and eyelash extension
facilities. At first, we thought microblading was some weird
winter Olympic sport that we don't play down South. Wow, were
we wrong! It's having incisions on your face and your eyebrows
tattooed on. And we thought male athletes with tats were
tough. What you ladies go through. This extreme makeover did
not, pardon the pun, make the CUT. Most men would say, this
practice should not be regulated, ... it should be
criminalized. Dying on the calendar, this proposal missed by a
House Bill 93 by Representative Jack D. Williams,
establishing the Association of Former Members of the Alabama
Legislature. Is there anything that would excite the populace
more than an Assembly of Former Legislators? Its sorta like
saying the Bubonic Plague is not enough, so let's create
BUBONIC ULTRA. While the public largely appreciates and
respects what legislators do, in the eyes of some skeptics,
the only thing worse than being a Legislator, is being a
former Legislator. As the old joke goes, who wants to join an
association that would have YOU as a member? Representative
Williams, the Shroud Committee is REALLY going to miss you.
Thanks for always being a good sport.
House Bill 362 by Representative Mark Tuggle,
levying on Forever Wild Lands a fee in lieu of property tax
payments. Having gone down this path last session, the
sponsor, like a good boy scout, thought he was prepared. He
was wrong. A social media attack strong enough to bring down
the Walls of Jericho quickly impaled him on his own hiking
pole. Treking 63 miles on the Pinhoti Trail would be easier
than finding 63 votes to pass this constitutional amendment.
Not helping matters, fellow members were suffering from the
Alabama Shakes and felt they had been run over by The Drive By
Truckers, as these bands, as well as hundreds of fishermen,
hunters, hikers, paddlers, climbers, birders, and bikers
launched tweets and emails in opposition to dipping into this
tantalizing pot of camp stew. The Gentleman from Coosa quickly
learned that folks who sleep in TENTS can be quite INTENSE.
With a vote of 38 Yeas and 26 Nays, this lame duck had been
QUACKED on. It appeared this expedition was lost so deep in
the woods not even one of those Uber fellows could drive it
out. After the vote, proponents must have sat around the
campfire licking their wounds and wondering why good old
Smokey the Bear did them wrong. Apparently, they inhaled too
much smoke, as they foolishly decided they wanted SOME MORES.
On the next legislative day, Representative John Rogers, a
nationally renowned wilderness expert, moved to reconsider.
Gathering 60 votes, supporters believed the end of the trail
might really be in sight. They were seeing things. Proponents
should have consulted their compass, as this ramble was only
going South. The do over did nothing. This Turkey was up
Turkey Creek without a paddle. The sponsor should face facts;
he's no Daniel Boone and this wilderness cannot be tamed.
WHEREAS, having disposed of these lesser
embarrassments, we now turn to the grand faux pas. This Ruby
is worthy of our 40th presentation. Allow us to give a few
clues so that the suspense may build. Our winner:
Did not have TIME on its side.
Proved an upset, .... to the sponsor's stomach.
Wasn't a BRIGHT idea.
And involved a handoff from one Poole guy to another
Got it? The winner of the 2018 Shroud Award
is....... Hold it. Hold it... Excuse us Mr. Speaker, but we
need to make an announcement. There's a vehicle in the
Legislators' parking lot that has its headlights on. It has
Madison County license plates and an Owens Cross Roads decal.
Now, as we were saying, the winner of the 2018
Shroud Award is House Bill 333, requiring lighted headlights
between sunset and sunrise. The sponsor of this visual delight
is requested to come forward. We promise to be gentle.
Welcome. Is it just us, or is it dark in here?
Members, could you give us a little help and turn on your
phone flashlights? Thanks, that's a whole lot better. The
sponsor is going to think he's a ROCK STAR. Perhaps he can
title his first album "A Deer in the Headlights." One of the
songs could be "Time Is On My Side", but sadly it wasn't.
You know we always thought the representative from
District 22 was very distinguished looking. But in this light
we've got to admit he does seem to have a sketchy PROFILE.
Maybe we just aren't enforcing the same standards of
appearance on everyone.
When he was asked to sponsor this bill, our friend
was truly pumped. This legislation could have a profound
impact on everyday life. But then he was given the bad news.
He wasn't sponsoring THAT Time Change bill. But don't feel
bad. This proposal is still important .... to your paper boy.
The bill appeared on three special order calendars,
perhaps a record. When it came up on third reading, it never
DAWNED on the sponsor that discussions would be so heated. The
bill merely changed the mandatory time from thirty minutes
before sunrise and thirty minutes after sunset to sunrise and
sunset. For Pete's sake, it wasn't like he was dealing with
the very fabric of life in Alabama. After all, who would be
foolish enough to mess with something that sacred? You know,
something like the high school football playoff system?
The earnest debate began and it was young Ritchie's
turn at SHOW AND TELL. He shared with each member a stunning
color photo of a beautiful sunset and a vehicle which was
clearly visible through a windshield. It was a traffic
stopper. What more was needed? It was clear proof that .....
his phone takes a nice picture. Not even Alexander Shunnarah
could have won a case with that lame evidence.
The bill's adversaries weren't aiming to just kill
time, they were looking to make a point. They were led by a
member whose HALL mark is ALWAYS requesting to see floor
amendments in advance; a practice she always followed. Well,
almost always. The opposition was blunt. They warned if this
moved forward, it would be the last bill of the session. When
you start dealing with the hours of the day, things can get
nasty real fast. Why do you think they call it Greenwich MEAN
Time? Foes gave the sponsor the NAKED TRUTH. They threatened
to strip him bare. They said forget about the headlights, this
would be such an undressing that he would have to turn on his
FLASHERS. Now that was a type of profiling no one wanted to
Faced with this assault on his timeline, the Rookie
Rep. did what he had to do. He took a bold stance. One where
he could carry over the bill without hurting his back. Perhaps
it would be best if the well-intentioned safety expert stayed
with the old timer's illumination rule. You turn your lights
on and off based on when the rooster crows and the lightning
bug glows. After spending all his political capital, the
sponsor still couldn't buy time. When all was said and done,
it sure wasn't Happy Days for this Ritchie. This bright beam
had been dimmed way too fast.
BE IT RESOLVED BY THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF
THE LEGISLATURE OF ALABAMA, That the winner of the 2018 Shroud
Award is House Bill 333, which required lighted headlights
between sunset and sunrise. Representative Ritchie Whorton is
requested to step forward to accept the symbolic shroud. Be
sure to smile because a photo will be distributed to each