Note: Bills that change current law do not show the amended text correctly below. Please view Original PDF to see amended sections: HR 526 - Introduced - PDF
HR526 193490-2 By Representatives Poole, Ainsworth, Alexander, Baker, Ball, Beckman, Beech, Black, Blackshear, Boothe, Boyd, Bracy, Brown, Buskey, Butler, Carns, Chesteen, Chestnut, Clarke, Clouse, Coleman, Collins, Crawford, Daniels, Davis, Drake, Drummond, Ellis, England, Farley, Faulkner, Faust, Fincher, Ford, Forte, Fridy, Garrett, Gaston, Givan, Greer, Grimsley, Hall, Hanes, Harbison, Harper, Henry, Hill, Hollis, Holmes (A), Holmes (M), Howard, Hurst, Ingram, Jackson, Johnson (K), Johnson (R), Jones, Knight, Lawrence, Ledbetter, Lee, Lindsey, Lovvorn, Martin, McCampbell, McClammy, McCutcheon, McMillan, Millican, Mooney, Moore (B), Moore (M), Morrow, Nordgren, Pettus, Polizos, Pringle, Reynolds, Rich, Rogers, Rowe, Sanderford, Scott, Sells, Sessions, Shedd, Shiver, South, Standridge, Todd, Treadaway, Tuggle, Wadsworth, Warren, Weaver, Whorton (I), Wilcox, Williams (JD), Williams (JW), Williams (P), Wingo and Wood RFD: First Read: 29-MAR-18 193490-2:n:03/23/2018:MF/hh LRS2018-1321R1 DESIGNATING THE RECIPIENT OF THE 2018 SHROUD AWARD. WHEREAS, it is once again time for the annual Shroud Award, in which the deadest legislation of the 2018 Regular Session is revealed. Created in 1979, this is the 40th presentation of this one of a kind sine die custom. Traditionally, the gift for a 40th celebration is Ruby, and this year we have a real gem for you. First, we begin with the runners-up, semi-precious stones that were pretty, but not beautiful enough for this special occasion. House Bills 51 and 75 by Representative Rolanda Hollis, regulating microblading and eyelash extension facilities. At first, we thought microblading was some weird winter Olympic sport that we don't play down South. Wow, were we wrong! It's having incisions on your face and your eyebrows tattooed on. And we thought male athletes with tats were tough. What you ladies go through. This extreme makeover did not, pardon the pun, make the CUT. Most men would say, this practice should not be regulated, ... it should be criminalized. Dying on the calendar, this proposal missed by a hair. House Bill 93 by Representative Jack D. Williams, establishing the Association of Former Members of the Alabama Legislature. Is there anything that would excite the populace more than an Assembly of Former Legislators? Its sorta like saying the Bubonic Plague is not enough, so let's create BUBONIC ULTRA. While the public largely appreciates and respects what legislators do, in the eyes of some skeptics, the only thing worse than being a Legislator, is being a former Legislator. As the old joke goes, who wants to join an association that would have YOU as a member? Representative Williams, the Shroud Committee is REALLY going to miss you. Thanks for always being a good sport. House Bill 362 by Representative Mark Tuggle, levying on Forever Wild Lands a fee in lieu of property tax payments. Having gone down this path last session, the sponsor, like a good boy scout, thought he was prepared. He was wrong. A social media attack strong enough to bring down the Walls of Jericho quickly impaled him on his own hiking pole. Treking 63 miles on the Pinhoti Trail would be easier than finding 63 votes to pass this constitutional amendment. Not helping matters, fellow members were suffering from the Alabama Shakes and felt they had been run over by The Drive By Truckers, as these bands, as well as hundreds of fishermen, hunters, hikers, paddlers, climbers, birders, and bikers launched tweets and emails in opposition to dipping into this tantalizing pot of camp stew. The Gentleman from Coosa quickly learned that folks who sleep in TENTS can be quite INTENSE. With a vote of 38 Yeas and 26 Nays, this lame duck had been QUACKED on. It appeared this expedition was lost so deep in the woods not even one of those Uber fellows could drive it out. After the vote, proponents must have sat around the campfire licking their wounds and wondering why good old Smokey the Bear did them wrong. Apparently, they inhaled too much smoke, as they foolishly decided they wanted SOME MORES. On the next legislative day, Representative John Rogers, a nationally renowned wilderness expert, moved to reconsider. Gathering 60 votes, supporters believed the end of the trail might really be in sight. They were seeing things. Proponents should have consulted their compass, as this ramble was only going South. The do over did nothing. This Turkey was up Turkey Creek without a paddle. The sponsor should face facts; he's no Daniel Boone and this wilderness cannot be tamed. WHEREAS, having disposed of these lesser embarrassments, we now turn to the grand faux pas. This Ruby is worthy of our 40th presentation. Allow us to give a few clues so that the suspense may build. Our winner: Did not have TIME on its side. Proved an upset, .... to the sponsor's stomach. Wasn't a BRIGHT idea. And involved a handoff from one Poole guy to another pool guy. Got it? The winner of the 2018 Shroud Award is....... Hold it. Hold it... Excuse us Mr. Speaker, but we need to make an announcement. There's a vehicle in the Legislators' parking lot that has its headlights on. It has Madison County license plates and an Owens Cross Roads decal. Now, as we were saying, the winner of the 2018 Shroud Award is House Bill 333, requiring lighted headlights between sunset and sunrise. The sponsor of this visual delight is requested to come forward. We promise to be gentle. Welcome. Is it just us, or is it dark in here? Members, could you give us a little help and turn on your phone flashlights? Thanks, that's a whole lot better. The sponsor is going to think he's a ROCK STAR. Perhaps he can title his first album "A Deer in the Headlights." One of the songs could be "Time Is On My Side", but sadly it wasn't. You know we always thought the representative from District 22 was very distinguished looking. But in this light we've got to admit he does seem to have a sketchy PROFILE. Maybe we just aren't enforcing the same standards of appearance on everyone. When he was asked to sponsor this bill, our friend was truly pumped. This legislation could have a profound impact on everyday life. But then he was given the bad news. He wasn't sponsoring THAT Time Change bill. But don't feel bad. This proposal is still important .... to your paper boy. The bill appeared on three special order calendars, perhaps a record. When it came up on third reading, it never DAWNED on the sponsor that discussions would be so heated. The bill merely changed the mandatory time from thirty minutes before sunrise and thirty minutes after sunset to sunrise and sunset. For Pete's sake, it wasn't like he was dealing with the very fabric of life in Alabama. After all, who would be foolish enough to mess with something that sacred? You know, something like the high school football playoff system? The earnest debate began and it was young Ritchie's turn at SHOW AND TELL. He shared with each member a stunning color photo of a beautiful sunset and a vehicle which was clearly visible through a windshield. It was a traffic stopper. What more was needed? It was clear proof that ..... his phone takes a nice picture. Not even Alexander Shunnarah could have won a case with that lame evidence. The bill's adversaries weren't aiming to just kill time, they were looking to make a point. They were led by a member whose HALL mark is ALWAYS requesting to see floor amendments in advance; a practice she always followed. Well, almost always. The opposition was blunt. They warned if this moved forward, it would be the last bill of the session. When you start dealing with the hours of the day, things can get nasty real fast. Why do you think they call it Greenwich MEAN Time? Foes gave the sponsor the NAKED TRUTH. They threatened to strip him bare. They said forget about the headlights, this would be such an undressing that he would have to turn on his FLASHERS. Now that was a type of profiling no one wanted to see. Faced with this assault on his timeline, the Rookie Rep. did what he had to do. He took a bold stance. One where he could carry over the bill without hurting his back. Perhaps it would be best if the well-intentioned safety expert stayed with the old timer's illumination rule. You turn your lights on and off based on when the rooster crows and the lightning bug glows. After spending all his political capital, the sponsor still couldn't buy time. When all was said and done, it sure wasn't Happy Days for this Ritchie. This bright beam had been dimmed way too fast. BE IT RESOLVED BY THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE LEGISLATURE OF ALABAMA, That the winner of the 2018 Shroud Award is House Bill 333, which required lighted headlights between sunset and sunrise. Representative Ritchie Whorton is requested to step forward to accept the symbolic shroud. Be sure to smile because a photo will be distributed to each member.